I felt a type of loneliness I've never felt tonight. It wasn't a bad thing. I wasn't lonely or so much yearning for company. I was just alone. Entirely alone. I sat on my front porch, looking at the silent street and watching snow lightly falling onto the already coated ground. Some lights were on but most were off. I felt as if I was the only one in the world. Not just that no other people existed, but that no one else had ever existed. As if all the experiences I think I have had were just creations in my own mind to explain the things around me. If no one else exists, why are there cars lining the street? Why am I surrounded by houses? Who planted the trees that so neatly line the walkways? Was someone thinking of us, preparing this world for us only to have me arrive?
I didn't know what to do. Part of me feared moving. If I have this feeling of being the only sentient being, how terrifying it must be to come across another. Part of me wanted to stand up and start walking. Just by stepping off the porch, leaving this place I have known behind maybe I'd find something. But what if I search and search and find more things that need explaining with no one to explain them?
I thought to myself looking at the chair next to me. Who would I like to be sitting in that chair? I haven't met them yet. Who could I sit with in silence, looking at all this around me, and know I wasn't alone? No entity from another realm, they'd just try to explain things, to console me. No family, because family is an extension of myself, we're tied by blood. I want someone tied to me, but by their own doing. Tied to me by a force neither of us can explain, we both just know that I am supposed to be sitting where I am, and they next to me. That's the way it has to be. Does such a person exist? I don't know. What is this person doing right now if they do exist.
We are all alone. It's true. It's not sad or desparate, it's just truth and that's scary. Imagine existing in this world on a silent winter's night with nothing to explain everything that is around you. You have no past, just a conglomeration of memories suggesting a past that may have existed, but as far as you know you just came into existence there, on that porch, in the glow of the streetlight. Born with memories in a body you know. It's frightening but it's how we all are. The time for my exploration is near. My time to step off the porch and go on my hunt for an explanation lingers. I hope to face it bravely, and alone.
