Ever have ideas where you can’t tell if they are inspirational or depressing? Well this is one of those ideas. I’m going for inspirational, but it is only going to be so if you can handle the idea with a little cheese on top.
So I get down on things sometimes. I think all of us have those days where the worldly shenanigans just aren’t that appealing to us. Maybe people are just ticking you off. Maybe you’re feeling like the last kid picked for the basketball teams. It happens.
I’m having one of these days at the gym the other day. I will mind you that much of the time I get down not because I feel that I am not valuable, but because I think the world I live in is not valuable. You know those days where humanity just lets you down? One of those days where Pat Robertson claims people get AIDs because they’ve been awfully naughty towards their Omni benevolent God recently or ne of those days when you go to history class, and the lesson is on the Philippines, and you see how the good ol’ U.S. you know and love royally screwed over that entire nation, and is still digging that screw deeper? In this particular gym day I was getting down on the world because 5 dudes had arrived at the gym together, and proceeded to LOUDLY talk about how much they could lift, mocking one another all along the way, lifting ridiculous (whether it be ridiculously small or overly large) weights with horrible form all while screaming about how drunk they got last weekend. So it’s not a “starving kids in Africa,” but a “pathetic and saddening that these people are the same species of thing that I am.” If Martian representatives were to arrive on earth, and these men were to greet them first, that would be the Martian’s impression of what a human was.
God Damn it.
Even if Martians met a respectable individual first that person would greet them kindly and then apologize for individuals like these numbskulls.
GDI!(God Damn It).
Anyway what I am getting to here is this. At that moment at the gym as these baboons commenced their buffoonery I thought to myself, “Man I am glad I am not one of them.” That thought continued and I realized, that as much as sometimes I may get down on myself, or the world, there is no one out there that I would rather be than myself. Imagine you were able to transform into the ideal person of your gender for your field of interest, whether it be Brad Pitt for good looks, Bill Gates for wealth, or Steven Hawking for intelligence, once you had become that person isn’t there something you would miss about yourself? How sad would you be to find that you were no longer you?
However I think about myself, whether good or bad, I wouldn’t rather be anyone else. I might want changes to myself, but if that change meant becoming someone else it’s not worth it. I want to be smarter Bryce, not Steven Hawking, Handsomer Bryce, not Brad Pitt. There’s some cheese here if you take this inspiringly, and some depression if the only thing you’ve got going for you is that you’re just glad you’re not an idiot.
Either way I think it’s a testament to the structured introversion I have attempted in this blog for years that the second blog I ever wrote entitled Bee Yourself was about frustration that all “adults” kept telling me as an 18 year old to just be myself, when as an 18 year old you really have no idea who you are or who you want to be. Now at the age of 21 I don’t know that I could describe for you exactly who I am, and don’t think that in all my years on this earth I will be able to define myself, but I do know that whatever that definition is, I like it. I can’t tell you who I am, just that it’s pretty sweet to be me, and not one of you idiots… Burn!
JK! You’re not all idiots. Except you. Yeah, you.
Brain Dead
This blog is going to be slightly contradictory. I think. It is inspired by the fact that I am sitting at the Java House with two compatriots and my mind is blank. I am just staring ahead at this screen with nothing on my mind, frustrated that I can’t think of any great thoughts to share with the world.
I then realize that many times I complain and complain about how I simply cannot get my mind to shut up. It thinks and thinks itself to death, expounding upon any small thought to the furthest extent, and trying to relate every elucidation to every other elucidation until I cannot sleep or stop myself from thinking and simply exist.
In this very moment my mind has stopped itself from thinking. I am just staring at this screen. It’s not thinking itself into oblivion as it usually does. It seems a bit contradictory that the act of thinking about why I can’t think of anything made me think of something, and that really by doing this I am just fueling my frustration rather than just realizing that for once I have a cherished moment of silence. I could go home right now, lie in bed and immediately fall to sleep. Or I could go home and watch a movie, or read a book and absorb its contents without my noisy mind getting in the way.
I need to realize these moments more often and appreciate them. There’s something to be said for being able to put yourself in the correct mindset for any situation; pumping yourself up before a big game, or putting yourself in a solemn mood before a funeral. But there is also something to be said for simply realizing the mindset you are in, focusing on the energy of your body and using that energy for what it is best suited to. Both are desirable traits. In this situation I realized I have a rare moment of a mindset that I have a hard time forcing myself into and that I should cherish it. I do worry now though that now that I’ve realized that I am in this mindset, and I have started to analyze it, that the mindset will cease to be. I was just brought another cup of Yerba Matè, so I’ve got to finish that, but if my mind is still dead at the end, I’m going home and doing the most mind-numbing thing I can find.
I then realize that many times I complain and complain about how I simply cannot get my mind to shut up. It thinks and thinks itself to death, expounding upon any small thought to the furthest extent, and trying to relate every elucidation to every other elucidation until I cannot sleep or stop myself from thinking and simply exist.
In this very moment my mind has stopped itself from thinking. I am just staring at this screen. It’s not thinking itself into oblivion as it usually does. It seems a bit contradictory that the act of thinking about why I can’t think of anything made me think of something, and that really by doing this I am just fueling my frustration rather than just realizing that for once I have a cherished moment of silence. I could go home right now, lie in bed and immediately fall to sleep. Or I could go home and watch a movie, or read a book and absorb its contents without my noisy mind getting in the way.
I need to realize these moments more often and appreciate them. There’s something to be said for being able to put yourself in the correct mindset for any situation; pumping yourself up before a big game, or putting yourself in a solemn mood before a funeral. But there is also something to be said for simply realizing the mindset you are in, focusing on the energy of your body and using that energy for what it is best suited to. Both are desirable traits. In this situation I realized I have a rare moment of a mindset that I have a hard time forcing myself into and that I should cherish it. I do worry now though that now that I’ve realized that I am in this mindset, and I have started to analyze it, that the mindset will cease to be. I was just brought another cup of Yerba Matè, so I’ve got to finish that, but if my mind is still dead at the end, I’m going home and doing the most mind-numbing thing I can find.
Seattle Bryce to Iowa City Bryce
I haven’t blogged in a while. My bad. It is very easy to get distracted by all sorts of things, good and bad, when returning to Iowa City. With my first post I will update you about my life and a few of it’s basic going ons.
My return to Iowa City was fairly epic. I was eager to return and didn’t want to risk not getting home in time for the big bash being held so I left after a full day’s work at the Forum. At about 10 PM Seattle time I left and headed East. I drove all through the night listening to peaceful music. It seems counter-intuitive to listen to that type of music during a night-time tiring drive but it really just fit the mood of driving through the mountains and hills, plus I really wasn’t all the tired. I drove, waiting for the sun to come up as I was just getting into Montana. I had this big plan to listen to Sufjan Stevens as the sun was rising over the Montana Mountains and I couldn’t wait to see if the sound would fit as perfectly as I thought it would. It totally did. Big win for the Bryce team. It was at this point that I began to feel tired. Too tired. I pulled over into a sort of rock quarry, leaned my chair back, pulled my hat down over my eyes and passed out. Approximately 45 minutes later I woke up, leaned my chair up, got out of the car to take a leak, and was back on my way. I didn’t sleep again until my return. I drove for about 27 hours straight, only sleeping for about 45 minutes within 40 some hours. By the end I was hallucinating all sorts of cool things and listening to 3 AM AM radio where there were conspiracy theories of aliens poisoning our bat population and democrats trying to put people in death camps with the census.: All around a totally fun adventure. My roommates were kind of lame and too tired when I got home to have fun with me, so I just passed out for quite some time.
Much partying occurred in the following weeks. Too much.
It’s hard adjusting to Iowa City life where I have so many influences on me, and distractions from myself: both good and bad. In Seattle it was just me left up to my own devices, doing what I thought was best for myself, with nothing else pushing me in any way. I liked myself a lot in Seattle. I did good things for myself. I tried new things and was a better person than I had been in Iowa City. Coming back I expected to maintain that 100%. It has been far more difficult than I had expected. I’ve had my few weeks of thunder now. I’m ready to get back on track.
Another thing since I’ve been back; everyone asks me how Seattle was and I don’t know exactly how to respond. I usually just say good.
The long and thick of it though is that I enjoyed Seattle a heck of a lot more than I thought would but in different ways than I thought I would. The city is not the place for me, but one very much like it is. A lot of the people were not exactly the people for me, but many unexpected people were. I didn’t have the crazy experiences I thought I would have, but I enjoyed many experiences I didn’t think I would. I grew as a person, changed a little. It’s hard to come back to a place where people know you one way, and try to bend their image to accept the changes. PEER PRESSURE you know? It’s more powerful than people think.
So I’m doing my best, trying to do better and we’ll see how that goes.
My return to Iowa City was fairly epic. I was eager to return and didn’t want to risk not getting home in time for the big bash being held so I left after a full day’s work at the Forum. At about 10 PM Seattle time I left and headed East. I drove all through the night listening to peaceful music. It seems counter-intuitive to listen to that type of music during a night-time tiring drive but it really just fit the mood of driving through the mountains and hills, plus I really wasn’t all the tired. I drove, waiting for the sun to come up as I was just getting into Montana. I had this big plan to listen to Sufjan Stevens as the sun was rising over the Montana Mountains and I couldn’t wait to see if the sound would fit as perfectly as I thought it would. It totally did. Big win for the Bryce team. It was at this point that I began to feel tired. Too tired. I pulled over into a sort of rock quarry, leaned my chair back, pulled my hat down over my eyes and passed out. Approximately 45 minutes later I woke up, leaned my chair up, got out of the car to take a leak, and was back on my way. I didn’t sleep again until my return. I drove for about 27 hours straight, only sleeping for about 45 minutes within 40 some hours. By the end I was hallucinating all sorts of cool things and listening to 3 AM AM radio where there were conspiracy theories of aliens poisoning our bat population and democrats trying to put people in death camps with the census.: All around a totally fun adventure. My roommates were kind of lame and too tired when I got home to have fun with me, so I just passed out for quite some time.
Much partying occurred in the following weeks. Too much.
It’s hard adjusting to Iowa City life where I have so many influences on me, and distractions from myself: both good and bad. In Seattle it was just me left up to my own devices, doing what I thought was best for myself, with nothing else pushing me in any way. I liked myself a lot in Seattle. I did good things for myself. I tried new things and was a better person than I had been in Iowa City. Coming back I expected to maintain that 100%. It has been far more difficult than I had expected. I’ve had my few weeks of thunder now. I’m ready to get back on track.
Another thing since I’ve been back; everyone asks me how Seattle was and I don’t know exactly how to respond. I usually just say good.
The long and thick of it though is that I enjoyed Seattle a heck of a lot more than I thought would but in different ways than I thought I would. The city is not the place for me, but one very much like it is. A lot of the people were not exactly the people for me, but many unexpected people were. I didn’t have the crazy experiences I thought I would have, but I enjoyed many experiences I didn’t think I would. I grew as a person, changed a little. It’s hard to come back to a place where people know you one way, and try to bend their image to accept the changes. PEER PRESSURE you know? It’s more powerful than people think.
So I’m doing my best, trying to do better and we’ll see how that goes.
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