Self-Destruction

I am learning something more than ever that I think I have known deep down for a long time. I can't have everything exactly as I want it. Something along the lines of "you can't have your cake and eat it too." For much of my life I have kind of let it steer it self or I have maneuvered it in such a manner so that I kind my foot in everything I wanted it to be in without fully committing to one of them. I was basically keeping my options open and keeping my foot in every door because, "Dear God, what if 30 years down the road I find that because I took my foot out of the door at my church there would be some terrible life ruining repercussions ?" I am afraid to make the important choices because I don't want to be wrong or make one of those occurrences that is actually worth regretting. I have been faced with something that is one of those big choices, possibly the biggest of my life thus far. I can't escape that need to please every party, including myself to some extent. Even now I am trying finagle ways in my mind to keep all parts of the dilemma in a happy symbiosis. Slowly I am coming to realize that that is simply not an option. It is not going to happen, I am going to have to make that big choice, and I am going to do it myself. I don't know why this is so scary. I've never been one to be heavily influenced by other's advice, but for this one I wish a heavenly angel or other divine messenger would float slowly in a pure light out of the clouds, blow my hair back with the wind of his presence and whisper the answer into my ear. The terrifying thing to this is, I don't think there is a right answer, simply a righter one. Like those questions on the science tests that say Choose the answer that BEST answers the question. God I hate those. About that title, I know self-destruction doesn't seem relevant, but it's there because I am learning that I seem to make life difficult for myself. I don't think life is naturally difficult all the time, I think for the most part, as I've stated before, that it is meant to be enjoyed. I think that the parts that have been hard for me, especially this one, have been caused 99% by me.

Maybe I'll update you all later on how this situations turned out, probably not though, lets just hope I do the righter thing.

also, a note to my readers, I rarely check these blogs over for grammatical errors, so please excuse the if they exist.

Quick

So I read a friend's blog tonight and was reminded of some thoughts that have brewed occasionally in my mind. They are quick and underdeveloped but I though I'd express them. He wrote a blog about people caring what other's though of them and I reflected on myself, which is really all I can do. I realized there are only certain people I care about my appearance or actions in front of. There are certain people who I just do not care to impress or please. Mostly these are people I judge as failures or on their way to failure, oftentimes I come to find they just have a different ideal of success than I but if they definition of success is exactly opposite to mine then it would be failure in my mind wouldn't it? Anyway I find that I try to impress people who I know deep down I admire, or when I can gain from it. This sounds cold-hearted but I imagine everyone does it to some extent. I will note, however, that I have never slumped so low as to "suck up." I try to behave in an admirable fashion in front of young people because I enjoy being looked up to. I try to behave in a pleasant fashion at work because I enjoy having a job and would like to move up the ranks. I attempt to behave in a decent fashion in classes because I would like to do well in class. I even behave in a pleasant fashion in front of people I admire for selfish reasons, mostly because I feel that if people I admire see me in a positive light I am doing something right. As for my closest friends, I think sometimes I try to act in a manner that distances me from them yet keeps them close, I almost want to be looked up to by my friends. All the other selfish reasons seem fine and appropriate but the wanting my friends to look up to me is something about myself I have been battling. Friends should all consider themselves on the same level and I sometimes tend to place myself higher in my mind. Now, if I truly deserve it then I might as well take that pedestal, but for the most part, among my friends we all should be place at the same level. Selfish motivations for most actions. But that's really what I kind of believe in, furthering one's self without dampering the furthering of others.

anyway, not all that well developed and more randomly flowing but there might be something there.

Gifts

Alright people. This is a big one. This means something and it needs to be shared. Allow me to set up the scene. I am walking home this beautiful evening observing the world around me in all of it's glistening, white, snow-covered splendor. As often happens when the magnificence of the world is overwhelming me, God came to mind. Faith is something I have wrestled with for years and I am rarely able to pin it down long enough to give it a good look in the eyes. Tonight neither I nor God were willing to throw up our dukes and for the first time in a long while I knew what I believed. The logic behind my revelation is simple and easy to follow but the steps leading to it's occurrence are complicated. It came from a mixture of the snow today, a letter from my father, a lecture in my anthropology class and the thought of the oncoming holiday but it goes like this. I have always been sure of one thing in my faith and that is that I am sure God exists. Being in a slightly bummed out mood on my walk home I struck up a conversation with the big man. I told him that I was living my life for me and not him. Of course I instantly realized what I was saying to the Holiest of Holies and began rethinking my words. I thanked him for giving me the gift of life, other's lives and the world in which we reside. I was about to apologize for not always living up to expectations or "sinning" until I realized that this was silly. A big problem I always had when I was a strong Christian was that when I went out and had a good time I would come home and feel like a scumbag when I remembered that "God was watching us." I didn't want to feel guilty for enjoying life anymore. Here is where my anthropology class jumps in, I remembered how merely seconds ago I had thanked God for the GIFT of life, and the world. When I put my life and the world around me into the perspective of a gift it all came clear. We had been talking in anthro about how gifts are given for different reasons and have all sorts of meanings in different cultures. A good person doesn't give a gift to get anything in return. Think of a person you love and a gift you have given them. Did you give them whatever it was because you owed it to them, to get something in return, or to make them somehow indebted to you? No, if you really loved them you gave it to them so you could see that smile on their face. Real gifts are given to give the receiver happiness and to be appreciated. So when I put this image of a gift onto the world on my life I realized. God didn't give me life and put me in this world so I could spend my entire time trying to repay him. He gave it to me to be appreciated and enjoyed. To extend that thought further he gave it to all of us to be enjoyed and that means every bit of it. From the materials we consume to the people around us and all of man's accomplishments. I believe life is to be lived and enjoyed without debt to anyone. There are very little rules and no sins to commit. The only rule I would advise is to be thankful for life and either help other people enjoy their lives or at least don't prevent the enjoyment. Really if everyone thought like this things would go a lot smoother. Anyway thats kind of the tip of what I realized tonight. It makes life a whole lot more positive and less guilty and deep down I really just know it is based in truth. This is a blog I would really appreciate other's thoughts, comments, criticisms or suggested additions on. Thanks.