Quick

So I read a friend's blog tonight and was reminded of some thoughts that have brewed occasionally in my mind. They are quick and underdeveloped but I though I'd express them. He wrote a blog about people caring what other's though of them and I reflected on myself, which is really all I can do. I realized there are only certain people I care about my appearance or actions in front of. There are certain people who I just do not care to impress or please. Mostly these are people I judge as failures or on their way to failure, oftentimes I come to find they just have a different ideal of success than I but if they definition of success is exactly opposite to mine then it would be failure in my mind wouldn't it? Anyway I find that I try to impress people who I know deep down I admire, or when I can gain from it. This sounds cold-hearted but I imagine everyone does it to some extent. I will note, however, that I have never slumped so low as to "suck up." I try to behave in an admirable fashion in front of young people because I enjoy being looked up to. I try to behave in a pleasant fashion at work because I enjoy having a job and would like to move up the ranks. I attempt to behave in a decent fashion in classes because I would like to do well in class. I even behave in a pleasant fashion in front of people I admire for selfish reasons, mostly because I feel that if people I admire see me in a positive light I am doing something right. As for my closest friends, I think sometimes I try to act in a manner that distances me from them yet keeps them close, I almost want to be looked up to by my friends. All the other selfish reasons seem fine and appropriate but the wanting my friends to look up to me is something about myself I have been battling. Friends should all consider themselves on the same level and I sometimes tend to place myself higher in my mind. Now, if I truly deserve it then I might as well take that pedestal, but for the most part, among my friends we all should be place at the same level. Selfish motivations for most actions. But that's really what I kind of believe in, furthering one's self without dampering the furthering of others.

anyway, not all that well developed and more randomly flowing but there might be something there.