Self-Destruction

I am learning something more than ever that I think I have known deep down for a long time. I can't have everything exactly as I want it. Something along the lines of "you can't have your cake and eat it too." For much of my life I have kind of let it steer it self or I have maneuvered it in such a manner so that I kind my foot in everything I wanted it to be in without fully committing to one of them. I was basically keeping my options open and keeping my foot in every door because, "Dear God, what if 30 years down the road I find that because I took my foot out of the door at my church there would be some terrible life ruining repercussions ?" I am afraid to make the important choices because I don't want to be wrong or make one of those occurrences that is actually worth regretting. I have been faced with something that is one of those big choices, possibly the biggest of my life thus far. I can't escape that need to please every party, including myself to some extent. Even now I am trying finagle ways in my mind to keep all parts of the dilemma in a happy symbiosis. Slowly I am coming to realize that that is simply not an option. It is not going to happen, I am going to have to make that big choice, and I am going to do it myself. I don't know why this is so scary. I've never been one to be heavily influenced by other's advice, but for this one I wish a heavenly angel or other divine messenger would float slowly in a pure light out of the clouds, blow my hair back with the wind of his presence and whisper the answer into my ear. The terrifying thing to this is, I don't think there is a right answer, simply a righter one. Like those questions on the science tests that say Choose the answer that BEST answers the question. God I hate those. About that title, I know self-destruction doesn't seem relevant, but it's there because I am learning that I seem to make life difficult for myself. I don't think life is naturally difficult all the time, I think for the most part, as I've stated before, that it is meant to be enjoyed. I think that the parts that have been hard for me, especially this one, have been caused 99% by me.

Maybe I'll update you all later on how this situations turned out, probably not though, lets just hope I do the righter thing.

also, a note to my readers, I rarely check these blogs over for grammatical errors, so please excuse the if they exist.