Seattle January 10

I don't know where this one begins or ends as I don't really have one thought but a few ideas and mind burblings to record in my usually rambling form. BOOM ready to rock.

First things. I am realizing why I like the forum and all that it entails to much. I grew up going to church every sunday and wednesday (for youth night) and was fairly well involved in all the activities. While I am now not religious in the sense that the majority of the people in my church are I enjoyed the community. I thought it was an excellent place to grow because not only are you surrounded by people with solid values and varying opinions they also all seem to have a stake in your future. They would encourage success and take interest in what I was doing. It provided me opportunities for leadership and to grow as a person. While for me it may not have been the best place to be questioning my state of spirtuality it certainly gave me a secure place to do so within. Same thing with the children's theater I would volunteer backstage and act in. The people care about one another, have strong beliefs and values and are accepting as a community. I seem to have grown out of both of these things, also moved to another place, but they are things I will always fondly remember and can attribute to much of the making of the person I am now. The forum is, once again, the same way. It's all people with a common interest, some paid, some volunteers, some theater goers who are all part of a community. They may not all socialize outside of the forum but it is certain that they are interested in and invested in the lives of those all around them. It's like church. There is not so much a competitivity but a teamwork mentality and I thoroughly enjoy being a part of it.

I think non-profit might not only be my future, but the a larger part of the future of our country and world. Industry is being automated and people are not needed as much, the service intdustry becomes more automated and unnecessary as well. For me at least the world is becoming easier to enjoy on a smaller budget. Small non-profit communities could be the way to go.

As for life events. Yesterday was good, good and interesting. I went to the gym and all that jazz, bought some groceries and came home to My younger housemate and his girlfriend. I was planning to cook up the salmon I had just purchased and they were planning to cook their Mac'n'Cheese. What transpired is that we three chilled in the kitchen area and chatted. I learned a lot, he's a jr, 19, she's a freshman and of similar age, they go to different schools but in the same general area and they are very nice people. I successfully cooked my Salmon and made a delicous wrap with hummus, sprouts and spinach and went to my room to check on my things. They were kind enough to invite me to a movie, I told them I didn't want to intrude, and they said they were going with other people anyway. SWEET. FRIENDS! Originally I think there were going to be 6-7 of us (possibly some single ladies woop woop) then it turned out to be them and another couple. FIFTH WHEEL. At least a third wheel makes a tricycle, what vehicle has 5 wheels? It turned out to be a nice time though, we saw Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. Pretty good flick, very inventive, odd and charming. (SIDE INTERRUPTION NOTE: Seattle people LOVE looking in windows rudely as they pass, just glaring. I witness it both from indoors and out, but they have no shame getting nose close to investigate the indoors) After the flick we just strolled Downtown Seattle, we went to the pier, past many many bums, saw the original Starbuck's (I found out that the Tully's I thought was a competitor is actually a subsidiary as well) But mostly I just socialized with these two younger couples. It made me feel like an old sinner or something. They were so fresh, everything in this city amazed them. The though of pulling on a door and finding it locked, or the fact that I would give bums change and chat with them, or that it was after 9 and we were strolling freely in the streets of a big city just enlivened them. I don't know if it's because I am (very slightly) older or just a different personality. But I am just not amazed to the same extent by all of these things. I think they are cool and interesting and I enjoy my time here but I'm just not knocked on my socks or frightened by any of it as they were. It was a weird feeling. Also I experienced a sort of (maybe I am just imagining this) feeling of "try to be cool for the older person" either that or "try to appear as if I'm not trying to be cool for the older person" Whatever I did I couldnt help but perceive myself through them as the older guy. I HATE when I get the feeling that people are working to impress you or be liked by you for several reasons. 1. Who the hell am I to impress? Why would you worry about impressing ME? and if you're sole interaction with me is trying to impress then who the hell are you? OR what confidence do you have in yourself that you can't just assume that either your SELF will be impressive, or that if I am not impressed, your SELF is just as impressive as it was, just not to me. ANYWAY They kept mentioning that they wished they know of some parties, or wish they had something to do and I kept thinking "well what they hell are we doing, isn't this enjoyable?" It reminded me of my freshman year where a weekend wasnt complete unless I had committed embarassing drunken acts at some faraway party. Maybe I'm just more easily contented now. They told me stories of their times "getting drunk and having someone drive them to walmart" or the time they ate a whole pie. (I don't know why the drunk walmart thing is in quotes) and I was just like God if they only knew the shameful things that I have done. Hence the feeling like a sinner. Also they sort of had an innocence in coupledom in which the fact that they are both relatively new couples and friends (I think) and the structure of the two couples hanging out inhibits both the 4 of them interacting individually but also the two couples interacting as a couple. In reality, I was the only one free to act without consideration of any significant other. Also the innocence of newness of relationships and awkward sexual tension was there. I WITNESSED IT. I am glad to not be a part of that, at least not for awhile.

BUT THIS BRINGS ME TO ANOTHER THOUGHT. Being in a new city is very freeing. Moreso it makes things less risky. If I mess up here I probably just offend some person I don't really know. Back home messing up can ruin my friendships and the friendships of friendships and all sorts of jazz. Here there's not much risk. Aside from the getting mugged.

I'm trying to be as introspective in a self-improvement kind of way as I possibly can in my time here and so far so good. A huge thing I want to work on is my comfortability with being alone. Through my friends that know me best (sometimes ones that surprise you) I have learned that I sort of have this fear of being alone. I operate best within a close male-female relationship. People have pointed out I always have a girlfriend, or a woman of interest or SOMEONE of that nature, and they were right. I have tried out here to enjoy things for myself. Doing things because I actually draw pleasure from them, not because they make others happy. I'm a Libra, supposedly the stars say it's in my nature to try to be the orchestrator of fun for others. That's spot on. I feel like if I am in a situation and it is not fun, or successful, or any one person is not having a good time that it is in some way my fault. I feel I must take it upon myself to fix it. This turns people into relying on me for things I wish they could rely on themselves for. I don't think this is just me either. I think this is a feeling of our times that we feel personally guilty if anything we are involved in isn't a laugh riot or boomin' success. So I've been working on that. It's been going pretty well. I have this person I call my TGF (text GF) that I text all the time, and it helps me feel not alone, but I don't know if it is good for what I am trying to do. A lot of times when I find something that I enjoy, I hear a good song for example, I have to tell someone. I CANNOT keep it to myself as my own little secret fave. I am a sharer, for me if something isn't shared then what the hell is the point. I battle with myself over whether this is a positive thing or a negative one. The negative is when I have something that I experienced and no one to share it with it is immensely painful. ( I would like thoughts on this)

I gotta share, or I'll whither away and die. LETS MOVE ON TO SOME FUN BITS SHALL WE?!

DEEP THOUGHTS/Observances
-when you are texting and want to illustrate that you are shouting, you add more to the end ex. ahhhhhhhhh, pooooooooooo BUT when you want to shout a number it is more difficult EX. 1000000000000000 What number am I shouting?... (1000)
- I was at the gym the other day and saw twins, one was slightly fatter, but they worked out together, do they both have a common model to strive for, or does the fatter one want to look like the skinnier one and the skinnier one like some other girl?
-I saw a man listening to a CD player the other day, get with the times dude.
-In the outdoor shopping mall here they have lots of little bins of umbrellas, that you can use while you are there and return later. OH SEATTLE

-Sometimes the world loses it's mystery for me and I am no longer amazed by things. Sometimes I'm just in a bad mood, other times I need to go out and find something amazing. HMMM


THANK YOUS
Thank you roommate for inviting me out and about, it was a nice time
Thank you Geoff for your Krusty Krab comment, I love it
Thank you TGF for giving me T entertainment


Whenever I write a longer blog I assume nobody reads the whole thing. If you don't mind commenting whether you did or not (be honest) I would appreciate it. (you can comment anonymously)

and yes I truly and deeply appreciate all comments and criticisms. Give em to me!

ALSO just got another idea for a blog. COMING SOON BIATCH